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Let me backtrack a bit…. Want to read this story later? Save it in Journal. OMG, I felt that she was speaking to me.
I was immediately drawn to watch the entire minute video and, by the end, I was shedding ugly, uncontrollable tears because I had 19 of the 20 s of being a victim of narcissistic abuse. All of a sudden, everything that I had been struggling with over the last 17 years — 3 years of dating, 12 years of marriage and 2 years post-divorce — finally made sense.
The reason I wrote this article is to help others recognize the s of being in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, including the different stages these types of relationships predictably follow: love bombing, devaluation and the final stage, the discard. In between, there were sprinkles or showers of triangulation, cognitive dissonance and other strategies to keep me on my toes and always confused. I was healthy, fit, beautiful, successful, surrounded by friends, happy, fulfilled and full of life, radiance, energy, love and pure joy.
Christiane Northrup, the author of Dodging Energy Vampiresdescribes what happens in a relationship with a narcissist:. Energy-vampire-relationships are akin to a parasitic plant, such as mistletoe, overtaking an elm tree.
The mistletoe grows into the vascular system of the elm tree, extracting water and nutrients for survival. If the elm tree is healthy, it can withstand this relationship for a while, but eventually will become sick and can even die. The same is true for you. If you are in a relationship with an energy vampire, you may be able to withstand the energy drain for a while, but eventually the relationship takes its toll.
There can be serious health consequences when you are in an unbalanced relationship with an energy vampire. Most, if not all of the time, these illnesses do not respond well to medical treatments. Until that is addressed, no medication, diet, or amount of meditation and yoga will help. That was ME! I spent the last few months watching many YouTube videos, reading books and publications about narcissistic abuse and scrolling the Instagram s of narcissistic abuse survivors and experts and everything finally makes so much sense.
I know exactly how I got there. When I first met my ex-husband, he was a young year-old theater major Wife wants sex Anchor Point had just moved from the Midwest to Manhattan after graduation. That should have been a red flag for me…. I recently learned that narcissists view sex very differently. We had LOTS of sex. I never said NO to sex, except when I was not feeling well or too tired, which was rare at first.
But the NO was always followed by guilt because he usually let me know how disappointed he was with me if I said NO. The sex guilt followed throughout our 12 years of marriage, but sex was the only constant in our marriage. You should lose some weight. This was the first time that he was outwardly mean and cruel to me and the first time my intuition told me that this is not how a loving husband speaks to his wife, especially after she just had their third baby. This is also a perfect example of withholding love and affection — a tactic that narcissists use and something they excel at.
I Wife wants sex Anchor Point note that the first 7 years or so of our relationship were wonderful in many ways. Love bombing at its finest! We traveled a lot, we went on long walks and bike rides, we went out to dinner and had great conversations, we held hands and kissed and went to bed together and woke up together, we planned our future, I helped him start multiple theater companies, watched rehearsals and sold tickets at the box office, he came on business trips with me and helped me to sell my products and went to the post office every day with boxes of products to ship, we visited friends and had fun adventures, we traveled across the country, we went to Europe, we took summer vacations, he checked in with me during the day to see if I needed anything or just to say hello, he seemed so interested in all of my hobbies….
He was wonderful when I was pregnant and came with me to all our midwife appointments, gave me foot and back massages, he was there and so very present during the birth of our kids, he cooked for me and spent time with me, he put the kids to bed every night and gave them baths and fed them and played with them and read to them and stayed up at all hours of the night with them when they were sick or crying so that I could sleep and rest.
I thought he was the most loving husband ever.
I felt like we were truly a team. Something happened after our third child was born. The man that I knew had disappeared. Even the look in his eye changed, his demeanor seemed different, he no longer had a smile on his face. Or with me and our relationship and family. My sex drive is through the roof.
I want to have sex with every woman that I see. All I think Wife wants sex Anchor Point is sex and this is a very new feeling for me. Immediately, I started to imagine him wanting to have sex with every woman he saw and my mind began to create all sorts of unpleasant scenarios.
Did he want to have sex with his students? What about our female neighbors? And the women in line at Whole Foods? My friends? The flight attendant? The woman who delivered our mail? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. And the woman carrying her groceries. And the woman in yoga class. And the woman who is just walking by. I asked a few men and they all said NO. After that, all I could think about when we were around other women was how much he wanted to have sex with every single one of them. I was so hurt and he got mad at me for feeling hurt. I just thought that there was always something wrong with me.
That I was always doing something wrong. That I was Wife wants sex Anchor Point good enough. That I could never meet his needs and that he would leave me for another woman who could. The guilt continued. There was no end to the guilt. So special, in fact, that he decided to devote his entire life to it. When I met him he was interning at a theater in the hopes of getting hired by them full time. He made it his mission in life to pursue theater. Even when the New York Times came to review his play and the review ended on a negative note. Even when his work required him to move all over the country for little or no pay.
Even when he calculatedly missed my birthday and our anniversary because of rehearsals. Even when he got rejected over and over and over again from foundations, theaters, organizations, grants, peers, friends and classmates. There was nothing that would stop him from pursuing his theater career. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He was constantly proud of the fact that he kept going despite all the rejection. He was as dedicated to theater as an Olympic athlete is to winning a Gold medal. But any time I expressed the slightest discomfort with something — like his rehearsals running late, or women he was getting too close to, or not liking the idea of him moving 3, miles away for 8 weeks the week before our daughter was born — every time I would say something he would tell me that I was not supportive.
True, to an extent. But when you have three kids and a wife who can no longer work and medical bills that are piling up, it might be a good idea to give a shit about money. He said we should get a divorce because we are not on the same with money. He worked to support his artistic needs, but never to support his family. There are so many scenarios and conversations and situations that were hinting that he is a self-absorbed narcissist and that I was being emotionally and mentally abused. But I just thought he was having a bad day or that he was unhappy with his career or that he was just momentarily angry with something that I did….
One time when I asked him to go on a morning walk with me because I felt slightly dizzy. Only old people go on morning walks. Or the time when we went on a trip across Europe with another couple. Wanna get married? Somehow I convinced myself that this was totally ok. Or the time when I had my first miscarriage. I was crying in pain, hunched over the toilet, throwing up and barely able to move. He did not once come to check on me or try to comfort me. Or the time when we went to get an ultrasound during my third pregnancy. The doctor confirmed that I had another miscarriage and we both walked out of the hospital speechless.
We got in the car and he called his mom and talked to her for the next hour about the miscarriage and how we were going to be ok and move on from it. Not once did he ask me if I was ok or even looked at me while we were driving back home. I have no respect for anyone who works there. That would be a nightmare. Or the time I realized how uneasy and uncomfortable I was at the thought of aging with him.
He scoffed at every new wrinkle, stretch mark, gray hair, extra pound, or comfortable bra and underwear that I was wearing. Or the time I told him my grandmother passed away. Or the time I received the biggest opportunity of my career to teach an online class in front of tens of thousands of people. I taught the class for 18 hours over a span of three days. Or the time when we were about to go on a date and his mom offered to watch our kids for the evening. He went to tell his mom that we were ready for our date and he came back four hours later at 11PM and said that he was bonding with and catching up with his mom.
When I let him know that I was upset, he told me that I was needy and that him talking to his mom was more important than our date. Or the times he attached himself to one woman in every show he directed and every job he had — there was always ONE woman who made me uncomfortable and who he would go out of his way to spend time with.
Or the time when I ed a local business group and our first meeting ran 30 minutes late. He complained the whole way home and told me that entrepreneurs have no respect for time. Or the times we would go to a party or host our own. He did not talk to me or spend time with me at all — he would just find other people to talk to, almost always women — and start flirting and turning on his charm. He was the life of every party and when I would try to talk to him, he would literally turn his back away from me and talk to someone else and tell me that I was needy.
Or the many times he would not lock our door at night. I told him that I felt much safer if our door was locked. We live in a safe area. When I was growing up we never locked our door and I turned out just fine. We got into so many arguments about the unlocked door! He found a few things that were really important to me, like locking our door at night or asking our kids to wear their helmets or not letting our three-year-old daughter use the cheese grater or comforting our kids while they were throwing up — and he would go out of his way to make sure that he did the opposite of what I asked.
Or the time when I had just come back from my doctor who ran a bunch of tests to determine why my health was deteriorating now I know it was because of all the constant stress that was under in our marriage. Or the time he came with me to the doctor to get my health. Or the time when I shared with him my dream to live at the beach. Or the time when I asked something that every woman wants to know, but she better dare not ask.
And then I would marry someone who was supportive of my work. Or the many times when refused to keep his phone on when he went out, Wife wants sex Anchor Point he went to the movies, when he went to work. Or the time when I went to meet with some friends and I was very tired and not feeling well, but decided to go anyway. I told him that I would be back home by PM. I got home a little after 11PM and I asked him if he was worried that I stayed out much later than Wife wants sex Anchor Point told him I would.
I asked him if he thought about calling me to make sure that I was ok, especially because I was not feeling so well before I left. You can take care of yourself. When I worked too much he told me that I was neglecting him and I need to work less, so when I started working less he told me that I was lazy and needed to work more. When I was spending too much time at home he would tell me that I needed to get out of the house more and when I would get out of the house more and come back from hanging out with friends, he would be annoyed with me that I stayed out too long.Wife wants sex Anchor Point
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